Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Sequels, Spin-Offs and Shameless Cash Ins. (Yes, E L James, I am looking at you.)

This is my 'S' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

E L James recently released a follow up to Fifty Shades of Grey because, heaven knows, she hasn't already made enough money out of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise.

Grey, as I am sure you already know, is Fifty Shades of Grey told from Christian's Grey point of view.  The first few chapters were included at the end of Fifty Shades Freed. Or at least in the copy of the book that I bought two or three years ago. This doesn't seem to have been mentioned in any coverage of Grey that I have come across (although to be fair, I haven't been paying them a lot of attention.) Which leads me to suspect that most people didn't make it to the end of the third book.

The thing is, for the couple of chapters I read, reading the story from Christian's perspective makes some kind of sense. In the first few chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey, we don't really know what Christian's take on the situation is. What does he make of Ana Steele the first time she comes tumbling into his office? Was his turning up in the hardware store in which she worked a lucky accident or part of his weird-arse stalker shit? (Spoiler: Weird-ass stalker shit, obviously.)

Once the couple start dating though, we know exactly what Christian Grey is thinking. We know because he and Ana discuss it in long, boring and fucking unrelentless detail. What on earth could be added to the interminable emails that the couple send to one another when read from Psycho Boyfriend's perspective?

There you go, James. I'm pimping your book anyway. You're welcome.
The book will no doubt sell millions, mostly to people who don't realise that there is literally a fuckton of better erotica out there. (And yes I meant 'literally' literally there. 'Fuckton' is an official measurement of erotic literature output.)

But, you know what, E L? Sooner or later, you're going to have to write a different book. I know it's hard. I know you want to keep the cash cow incessantly lactating. But I'm sure you've got at least one non-Fifty Shades of Grey book in you.

J K Rowling managed it. So did Stephanie Meyers. She managed to quit the Twilighting habit and write The Host, a dystopian sci-fi novel all about invasive aliens hosts and complicated love triangles and whatnot. She didn't just re-write Twilight from Carlisle Cullen's point of view or something.

There you go. That's your next project, if you're not already on it. Fifty Shades of Grey was re-hashed Twilight fan fiction. Maybe your next book should be Host-based erotic fan fiction. You can give Wanda, Melanie, Jared and Ian new names and tweak the story about. Maybe replace Wanda's people's desire for consuming souls and overtaking the planet with, I don't know, a desire to set up multi-million pound businesses, twat about in helicopters and buy a lot of iPads. And bung in some spanking and oral sex, obviously.

Not that that I'm telling you how to do your job, E L James. You know how to recycle, re-use and endlessly rehash books better than anyone.



Roleplay

This is my 'R' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.



Recently I completed a BDSM likes and dislikes checklist. As did my current gentleman friend. I'm not recommending anyone else actually do this, to be fair. Especially this one which has about eleventy-million items on it, some of which are baffling vague.

How do I feel about "Slapping/Punching (back, buttocks, chest)"? Well, mostly I feel that there's a world of difference between being slapped on the buttocks and being punched in the chest. Your drop down list isn't really giving me nuanced enough options there, Wikiphilia. Also "panties" as a kink option? What's my experience of "panties"? Some? A lot? Expert? I mean, I wear knickers on a daily basis. After forty-odd years of knicker-wearing I feel like I should be able to count myself as as an expert. I don't think that's what they meant, though.

Happily, my friend's and my lists didn't reveal any major discrepancies in our tastes. We're both massively into spanking and happy to experiment with bondage. We already knew this about one another. Things might have become awkward if one of us had revealed that they found the idea of "human toilets" super hot.

There's nothing like going through a big fuck-off list like this one to make you realise quite how many things you're NOT into. Whole sections - Cutting, Breath Play, Humiliation - got a big fat NO from me.

The list also contained roleplay options. The "Animal Roleplay" and "Age Roleplay" sections were 'no's throughout. As were most of the options on the "General Roleplaying" list. Whore Play? Religious Scenes? Medical Scenes? Prison Scenes? Um, no thanks. Race Play? Huh? What the fuck?

(Not judging you if you are into any of the above roleplaying scenarios, by the way. I'm all about people enjoying their kinks. Well, I'm not sure about 'race play'. I might be judging you a wee bit on that one.)

But there were a couple of options on the list that I thought I might be willing to explore: "Schoolroom scenes" and "Fantasy Scenes". Those, I thought, sounded potentially interesting.

Roleplaying isn't something I've done before. Of course, you could argue that any kind of Dom/sub play is kind of role-playing. In real life, I am the least submissive person ever. I'm bolshy and argumentative and opinionated. However, in the right circumstances and with the right person, I am willing to take orders, surrender control and submit to being punished.

Could I take it further and participate in a whole roleplaying scenario? Dress up like a schoolgirl and take my punishment from a stern Headmaster? In theory, it's a marvellous idea. I haven't yet created a pie chart of all my mastubatory fantasies of the last twenty-five years (give it time) but I think "schoolgirl punishment" would have a quite a significant wedge of the pie if that chart ever did get created.

I am a terrible actress though. And, goodness knows, this whole BDSM spanking malarky is silly enough as it is. A clearly middle-aged woman pretending to be an errant schoolgirl is a whole world of extra silliness. It reminds me of this scene from 'Nighty Night' where Julia Davis is trying to get Mark Gatiss to participate in a teacher/schoolgirl roleplaying scene. (This scene isn't in any way sexy by the way. I do admire Gatiss's adherence to his 'schoolteacher' role in trying to explain Ox Bow lakes, though.)

"Oxbow lakes are the residue of rivers which used to flow around rocky outcrops..."

The suggestions offered by the Wikiphilia checklist for Fantasy Roleplay were "pirates, aliens, vampires, bikers..." OK, sure. Not sure any of those would make the pie chart, but why not? In fact, why not combine the lot and have a pirate alien vampire bikers scenario? Or we could have a scene in which we roleplay Firefly's Malcolm Reynolds giving Space-Whore, Inara a damn good spanking after an argument about shuttle rental renewal?

Because, you know, I look JUST like Morena Baccharin.
Apart from all the ways, I really, really don't.
Or maybe a Tenth Doctor/Donna Noble spanking scenario? Or maybe, going back to the classics, acting out the the "Badly Done, Emma" scene from Jane Austen's Emma and including the Knightley-administered spanking that the original scene was lacking?

I doubt I could carry it off, to be fair. Although the 'vampires' suggestion from Wikiphilia, does remind me of this scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer where bad-boy sexy vampire, Spike, having developed a unhealthy crush on Buffy, encourages his vampire girlfriend, Harmony, to indulge in a bit of "Vampire Slayer" roleplay. Hey, whatever gets you through the night, sweetheart.


"I'm gonna stake you so much with the slaying powers that I have!"

I doubt any of those particular scenarios are going to be played out in my living room any time soon. I'm not ruling roleplay out, though. It could be silly, it could be fun, it might potentially be very, very hot in an altogether kinky-as-fuck way. (And I am very much in favour of kinky fun.) And with a lovely, understanding Dom, the worst that would probably happen is a massive fit of the giggles and one of us saying "Yeah, this isn't really working, is it? Cup of tea?"


Drinking tea is my NUMBER ONE fetish, obviously.
I'm surprised Wikiphilia left it off the checklist.
So go on, people, spill the beans. Have you done much roleplay? Do you all have a bunch of schoolgirl/nurse/Smurfette outfits at the back of your closets that you bring out for kinky roleplaying scenarios on special occasions? Share your experiences. And, most importantly, reassure me I'm not weird for considering it.

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Quoting bits of my favourite spanking romance stories

This is my 'Q' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

I imagine anyone who reads my blog is a fan of spanky romance stories. If you're not, you're probably continually confused about the sort of stuff I write about here. "What the hell?" you must ask yourself. "I just came here for an update on the cricket scores. Why is this woman always going on about bare bottom over-the-knee spankings?"

Just go with it. It's delightful.

I love a spanky romance, and some spanky romances I love so much that I'll return to favourite passages on more than one occasion. Here are some of my favourites.

Geneva DeCroix - Jesslina Meets Lord Piers

Lady's Maid Part 1
This was one of the first erotic spanking books I bought on my Kindle. I loved the story of feisty barmaid Jesslina who has a particularly bad day at work when some poor judgement on her part results in titled landowner, Lord Piers, and his drinking companions getting drenched in beer.
Lord Piers stood and wiped at the ale, which  stained his very expensive clothing. "I've found, Bruns, when a servant of mine is forgetting their place, a dose of the strap often helps. One can't go dismissing a girl for every little error, especially a girl as pretty as this," he said. He reached out and brushed the back of his hand along Jess's cheek.
Bruns started. "But sir, she's a grown woman. I can't strap her like a naughty child."
"Oh but you must. For her own sake and for yours. How will she learn what you expect of her if you don't discipline her?"
Spanking - as you've probably already guessed - ensues.

Renee Rose - Loving Lucia


Loving Lucia

This book was one of my earliest introductions to Renee Rose's wonderful romances. Lucia has been given some misleading (and apparently quite graphic) advice from her servants about to how best to please her husband Marco Donarati, the Count of Parma on their wedding night.
She hesitated just a little before she leaned forward and put her mouth over the tip. He made a low growling sound and shuddered.

Careful not to touch him too much with her teeth, she took him a little farther into her mouth, and then slid him out and tried again. There was a slight salty taste. She tried folding her lips over her teeth, and slid him in and out of her mouth that way, her mouth making a tight sheath around his girth. From the way he jerked and groaned, it seemed to please him.

But before she could get much further with this new activity, he stopped her, putting a hand on her head and pulling out.

"Have you done this before, Lucia?" he asked in a strange, strangled voice.
There follows a bit of a disagreement between our two protagonists. Marco is concerned that his new wife appears to know the sexual techniques of a whore. Lucia is horrified by the suggestion that her new husband might think her anything other than a virgin and slaps his face for suggesting otherwise. Luckily it's soon cleared up once the couple talk things through. Oh and some over-the-knee spanking helps as well of course. It always does.

Annabel Joseph - Disciplining the Duchess

Disciplining the Duchess
Another favourite from back when I was reading erotic spanky romances before I'd ever considered writing one myself. I love awkward unconventional Harmony Barrett. I love how the stiff conventional Duke of Courtland doesn't mean to fall in love with her but does anyway. You know when you can't stop reading a book but you really don't want it to end? Yeah, that.
"When I see you like this..." Her hands were back to teasing at the folds of his cravat. "I... I do not not know what comes over me. I have the most... unladylike... thoughts."

Court came to a slow and bemused realisation. His wife was trying to seduce him - whether intentionally or innocently he did not know. He did not care.

"Untie it," he said in a low voice.

Her steady gaze flickered for a moment. She paused, then he felt her fingers working at the linen. "I hate to disturb it, it looks so lovely," she said as she placed the sapphire-tipped pin in his palm.

He slipped it into the pocket of his coat for his valet to find later. "Tell me about these unladylike thoughts."

Casey McKay - Cursed Waters

Cursed Waters
Cursed Waters is without doubt the very best zombie and spanking based romance ever written. Although that description does it a disservice. It's a very, very good work of fiction, regardless of genre (and the spanking/zombie fiction genre is a criminally neglected one in any case). And happily it comes with a good dose of zombies, spankings and a wonderfully believable romance between our heroes, Roxy and Trevor.
"Are you agreeing to stick with me?" He questioned her again. She nodded and let out an annoyed sigh. He slid his hand up the back of her leg, snaking up her shorts and taking her ass in his hand. "I won't hesitate to remind you," he said as he gave her cheek a squeeze.

"No way, you're not allowed to just spank me because you feel like it," she protested and pushed his hand away.

He smiled at her. "A natural disaster, a missing person, and strange people inexplicably roaming the sidewalks." Trevor pulled her close against him and placed a kiss on her lips. "We're in crisis mode, babe. Rules don't apply and I will spank your ass if you get out of line." He winked at her and sauntered across the room, stifling a laugh at her stunned expression.

The world might be ending, but he still knew how to tease.

Patricia Green - Eddie, My Love

Eddie, My Love
So imagine a future where fully immersive virtual reality holidays are a thing, like the holodeck on Star Trek: The Next Generation. And then imagine that a twenty-second century young woman has chosen to enjoy a virtual holiday in a 1950s film noir mystery and meets unbelievably sexy, hard boiled private detective, Eddie Strong. She doesn't know if he's a real person enjoying his own virtual holiday or a computer generated avatar. She falls for him, anyway, because Oh my God, why wouldn't you? The man's delicious.
He pulled out the chair and took a seat, patting his thighs.

"Over my lap."

June's voice was low and breathy as she said, "Eddie, we can do so many better things with my panties off, don't you think?"

It was hard to think, but Eddie did his best. "I agree but let's start with a spanking and see where it goes."

She immediately straightened and pouted. Her panties fell down to her ankles and she stepped out of them. "Fine. Have it your way."

"I intend to." He patted his thighs again.
Katherine Deane - The Coach's Discipline.
The Coach's Discipline
You wouldn't think I'd be able to relate to this book, given how it's all about physical fitness and whatnot. I don't understand sport. What does it do? Where's the end product? The closest I get to a fitness regime is tapping away at a keyboard. When future technology means I can finally get round to inputting stuff directly from my brain to my laptop, I won't even need to expend that amount of energy.

And despite this, despite being the least sportsiest person ever, I loved this story of runner, Claire Jacobs and her coach, Nick. They're just so bloody lovely together, you see.
"Do you need something else, Jacobs?"

She quickly shook her head, then nodded, then shrugged her shoulders with a huge sigh.

He let out a low chuckle and grinned. "Are you lying to me, young lady?"

Her eyes widened, and she bit her lip as she stammered, "Yes Sir?"

"Do you want me to spank you, Claire?"

Crimson stained her cheeks as she nodded a quick affirmation.

"All you had to do was ask." He smiled and pulled her to a standing position. "Bend over the table."



So there you go, six quotes from six spanky books I love. And I bet none of them will make it into the next edition of the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations because there's no justice in the world. *

* Oh and also because my quotes are way too long for the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations so there's that too.

Monday, 22 June 2015

Penises: The Massive Penis Conspiracy

This is my 'P' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

"Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful... PENIS!"
"... bountiful penis."
I write heterosexual erotic romances with sex scenes in them. So, you know, penises turn up from time to time. And I follow what seems to be the number one rule when it comes to writing fictional penises, all my characters have absolutely massive dicks.

Now in real life, I like a penis of any shape or size. It's all about the person it's attached to, really. (Come to think of it, I'm not completely sure about the 'any shape' part of my earlier sentence. Vaguely penis-shaped is preferable. If it were shaped like a teapot or jumbo jet, that might be a little disconcerting.)

And from time to time, I do worry that the fact that apparently every single romantic hero ever written is bigger than average in the trouser department. They're all packing a twelve inch rock-hard monstrosity that they're ready to deploy at a moment's notice. And then five minutes after they've orgasmed in some kind of powerful manly way, they're generally ready to go again.

Are we oppressing menfolk by presenting these unrealistic depictions of manhood? Or does it not matter? Men don't generally read these sorts of books, anyway.

My women are all slim and beautiful without a zit or a pair of wonky boobs between them. And my men are tall, firm-chested hunks of men whose penises have as much length and girth as credibility will allow.

Can you think of any examples you've read where the hero had a below average sized penises? (And you know, roughly half of men have below average sized penises in the real world because that's how averages work.) Would you read one if there were? Or are massive penises a non-negotiable part of erotic fiction. Are we all monsters?

Orgasms and how to write about them.

This is my 'O' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

The moment of orgasm is a tricky things to capture in writing, don't you think? Orgasms pretty much defy description. Yet just writing "it felt really, really nice" isn't going to cut it. So we keep trying, us writers of erotica and also proper writers of proper books. Famously, DH Lawrence wrote this description of Constance's orgasm in Lady Chatterley's Lover.

Lady Chatterley's Lover
She clung to him unconscious in passion, and he never quite slipped from her, and she felt the soft bud of him within her stirring, and strange rhythms flushing up into her with a strange rhythmic growing motion, swelling and swelling til it filled all her cleaving consciousness, and then began again the unspeakable motion that was not really motion, but pure deepening whirlpools of sensation swirling deeper and deeper through all her tissue and consciousness, til she was one perfect concentric fluid of feeling, and she lay there crying in unconscious inarticulate cries

The next one comes from John Cleland's Fanny Hill: Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure,  published in 1749

Fanny Hill

all my animal spirits then rush'd mechanically to that center of attraction, and presently, inly warmed, and stirr'd as I was beyond bearing, I lost all restraint
I like the next one by Paulo Coelho from his novel Eleven Minutes, particularly the reference to pain mingling with pleasure. I've never felt like my partner and I were one person though. Clearly, I'm a lot more selfish about my orgasms. Or maybe it's a love thing.


It was Heaven. I was the earth, the mountains, the tigers, the rivers that flowed into the lakes, the lake that became the sea. He was thrusting faster and faster now, and the pain was mingled with pleasure, and I could have said: 'I can't take any more', but that would have been unfair, because, by then, he and I were one person.

It's worth noting that all the previous descriptions of a woman's orgasm were written by men. The next one is written by a woman about her own orgasms. It comes from Anais Nin's diaries. Nin is a woman who knows all about writing good sex scenes. She is clearly having better orgasms than me, though. Electric flesh arrows, huh?

Anais Nin
The pocket seed of ecstasy bursts with more or less energy, when it is richest it touches every portion of the body, vibrating through every nerve and cell. If the palpitation is intense, the rhythm and beat of it is slower and the pleasure more lasting. Electric flesh-arrows, a second wave of pleasure falls over the first, a third which touches every nerve end, and now the third like an electric current traversing the body. A rainbow of color strikes the eyelids. A foam of music falls over the ears. It is the gong of the orgasm.
And lastly, here is my own feeble attempt to describe an orgasm from my book Lord Westbrook's Muse.

Because this book totally deserves to be hanging out with all the others on this page.
She bucked and he swiftly inserted two fingers inside of her, pushing his fingers against the hard nub of her clitoris and stroking her there in a firm circular motion.
She was almost there. Poised above a precipice, needing only one small push to send her hurtling to the ground. The pleasure that had been building up slowly, suddenly exploded inside her. It was overwhelming. She had gone over the precipice but she wasn’t falling. Rather, she had grown wings and taken flight.

What are your favourite descriptions of orgasms are books? Either your own or other people's? Let me know in the comments.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Naming One's Sci-Fi Characters (When One is Casey McKay)

This is my 'N' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.
I don't have guest bloggers round these parts very often. I should definitely do it more. I keep this blog scrupulously hoovered and stocked full of tea, coffee and snacks. Guest bloggers are always welcome. You don't even need to take your shoes off.

And I am very excited to have Casey McKay, the World's Second Best Writer of Spanky Erotic Romance on my blog today. 

(I do hope Ms McKay isn't offended by the "second-best" bit of my introduction. As a good friend, she understands my utter fangirlish obsessive love of Number One Erotic Spanky Romance Writer, Renee Rose better than anyone. I am sure Casey would be hugely impressed with the "I HEART Renee" tableau that I have constructed in my living room. It's very tastefully done. I have constructed a life-size replica of Lord Darlington via the medium of balloon modelling and everything. Being the very best writer of spanky romance (apart from Renee Rose) is the best compliment that anyone who isn't Renee Rose can possibly hope to aspire to.)

So I will hand you over to the lovely Casey McKay now. She is going to discuss her new book and her first Sci-Fi romance, His Rebellious Queen and talk about how she found choosing names for Sci Fi characters wasn't the same as coming up with names for characters in her previous books.

Available in all good bookshops. Also, evil ones.

Thanks for having me over today Etta! 

(Etta: Delighted to have you here, Casey. Have a cup of tea and a chocolate digestive. What are you planning to talk about?)

Today I thought I would talk about naming characters and the fun I had figuring out names for my new sci fi romance, His Rebellious Queen.

I am the type of author that I need to have names figured out before I start writing. I am not a plotter, mind you, so I don't need to know what the characters are doing just yet, but I need to know their names and have a personality sketch of each one in my mind. For this reason I love naming characters in historicals because I can Google search names from that time period and then jot down five to ten that I like best. It's pretty simple.

But then when I started writing a romance in the sci fi genre, I didn't know where to start. I can't just go around calling an Alpha warrior alien man from another planet Joe, can I? I mean I guess I could but it really doesn't have a nice ring to it.

"He is the greatest warrior in all of five galaxies. The scourge of our many evil hostile enemies.
He is known as ... Joe.
Oh, and that lady there? She's his personal trainer, Doris."
Instead of a Google search I delved into a Wikipedia binge. I do this from time to time for fun anyway. You know when you look something up and then end up clicking on other helpful links on the Wikipedia pages and suddenly you are twenty pages deep and have no idea why you are reading the origin of oatmeal, or why it seems like the most fascinating thing you've read in days. (No? Just me then, I guess)

To be fair, Casey, you are not the only person fascinated by oatmeal.
You are in very good company.
I think I started with constellations. I pored over lists of constellation names and then galaxy names. Scientists, astronomers, planets, and stars. In the end I only remember the origin of a few things. But I named my heroine Lyra, which has something to do with a harp, briefly at one point in time she was going to be musical. That fell by the wayside, no time with all of the secrets and revolutionary plots (maybe in the sequel). My hero became Astor also something constellation related, don't quiz me on which one, it could even be the latin form of something.

Astor's arrogant cousin became Pavo, which in some derivative somewhere means peacock and what could be a better name for a hot arrogant alpha male strutting his stuff?

Hot. Male. Arrogant.
Yup, I think we can all understand Casey McKay's perverted mind just a little bit better now.
Lyra's sister Vela may have just been made up. I can't remember the exact reasoning for this except for the fact that if a couple gave birth to a daughter named Lyra, they would probably follow it up with another one and name her Vela. You wouldn't have a Lyra and an Ethel, that's just weird.

Did you really need to know the inner workings of my mind? Probably not! But hopefully some of you stuck around for the excerpt I brought with me!


Lyra kissed down Astor's neck and trailed down to the open V of his tunic. He stopped her downward progress with a hand under her chin. It was a silent battle, she pulled away, trying to continue her seduction and he pulled her up. Winning by sheer strength, Astor sat up and pulled her onto his lap. "Are you distracting me with sex, wife?"
She felt her face heat, but she shook her head. "I was only repaying the favor. You are more than deserving, you surprised me with the picnic and so far I'm the only one to have had fun," she bluffed.
He remained still, holding her in place on his lap as he studied her face. "I am having fun too," he said, finally, with an easy grin. "But know this, if you try to distract me with your womanly wiles I am of a mind to have you cut a switch." He nodded toward the thicket of trees they picnicked in front of.
A chill raced down her spine. She did not doubt his threat for a minute and although she had never felt a switch on her backside she was certain it would not be pleasant. She hid her face in his chest and tucked her head under his chin. It surprised her to find she felt warm and safe in this man's arms. If only he could help her conquer anything as he had promised her in his vows. She was not that naive.
"Please, Astor, do not spoil the fun by getting cross. I only wanted to show my appreciation," she stared down into her lap, afraid to meet his all knowing eyes.
"Oh, little dove. You bewitch me," he murmured. She was not even sure she was supposed to hear it. Releasing her from his clutches he placed her aside and reclined on the blanket, placing his hands behind his head. "I'm all yours. Assault me however you wish."
"However I wish?" she asked as she sat up on her knees beside him.
He frowned at her, "What goes on in that mind of yours?"
She wiggled her eyebrows at him and tried her best to look wicked. She knew she failed miserably when he let out a chuckle.
"Do not tease me, woman," he barked, his hands shooting out and pulling her forward.
She squealed as he pulled her off balance and she spilled across his chest. "Stop it, you big brute," she reprimanded through her laughter.
"You have not seen me be brutish yet."


I have just bought His Rebellious Queen and am hugely looking forward to reading it. Based on every other book I've ever read by Casey McKay, I assume it will be wonderful, Maybe I'll even end up making life-size balloon models of my favourite characters.

Oh my dear fucking god, this is actually a thing.
Someone made life size balloon sculptures of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and their children.
Well, that's my nightmares sorted for the next fortnight, thanks.


Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Melvil Dewey

This is my 'M' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.


Today we have a short blog post in praise of Melvil Dewey, the inventor of the Dewey Decimal System. I love a bit of Dewey Decimal Classification myself. It's such an elegant system which works as well today as it did a hundred and thirty years ago.

For a very long time, I wanted to be a librarian when I grew up. (Actually come to think of it, I still do.) I might be massively disorganised in the rest of my life, but there is something about putting books in order thatI find immensely satisfying.

Actually I was a library assistant when I was at secondary school but was relieved of my duties due to gross misconduct and abusing the facilities. (That story isn't anything like as much fun as it sounds.)



But aside from the Dewey Decimal Classification System, do you know what else is awesome about Melvil Dewey?

He was originally born Melville but as a staunch supporter of spelling reform, removed the redundant final two letters from his name. I rather like his 'put your money where your mouth is' approach there. He was such a firm believer in the cause to simplify spelling that he was prepared to cut his name by 25% in order to prove it. You go, Melv!

He also changed his surname to Dui for a while but then - presumably realising it was stupid - changed it back again. Expecting people to pronounce 'Dui' as 'Dewey' kind of sums up everything that's unworkable about trying to simplify spelling. We all read things differently.

He was a founder of the Lake Placid club whose menus were written in Dewey's reformed spelling:
A September 1927 menu is headed "Simpler spelin" and features dishes like Hadok, Poted beef with noodls, Parsli or Masht potato, Butr, Steamd rys, Letis, and Ys cream. It also advises guests that "All shud see the butiful after-glo on mountains to the east just befor sunset. Fyn vu from Golfhous porch."
What the actual fuck? That's gobbledygook. Or as Dewey would probably have me write it "Wot the actwl fuk?

Not that I'm knocking the bloke. Library Classification Systems! Spelling! What could possibly be sexier?

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Lord Westbrook

This is my 'L' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

Lord Robert Westbrook
(Well, actually it's Byron but you, know he can be Lord Westbrook in my head. He's got the frowning right)


The character Lord Westbrook made his initial appearance in my second book Lady Westbrook's Discovery as the elder son of widowed Lady Westbrook.

His main role in the book is to grumpily disapprove of his mother's marriage to a much younger man. Felix Oliver, his mother's soon-to-be-husband considers Lord Westbrook to be a 'pompous twerp'.

I felt a bit sorry for grumpy Lord Westbrook though. I wanted to make him happy. So in my second Westbrook book, Lord Westbrook's Muse, I introduced him to beautiful and unconventional Cass and the two of them start a passionate affair. They have a few trials and tribulations to get through before they reach their Happily Ever After. But they get there in the end. And finally the grumpy old bugger cheers up a bit.

Robert woke the next morning feeling wonderful. He could not remember the last time he had slept so well. 
Was it because of the time he had spent yesterday with Miss Glen? He rather thought it was. He had no idea what had possessed him to spank her the way he did. Well, clearly she had put the idea into his head but making her bend over the bed while he administered a spanking to her bare backside was clearly outrageous behaviour. He had shocked himself by doing it. 
When he had concluded the spanking, his senses had come back to him. He looked at the girl bent over in front of him – practically a stranger, a houseguest of his mother’s for goodness sake and wondered what on earth he had done. When she had turned to face him from her prostrate position over the footboard, he had expected to see retribution in her eyes. Or fear. Instead her eyes were unmistakably full of pure lust. That had done for him. Even baser urges had taken over and he had ravished the poor girl, robbing her of her virginity in the process. 
And yet... he hadn’t exactly taken her against her will. At every point she had willed him to continue. Had she put up any resistance, he would have stopped. And that comment about losing her virginity being expedient... it was as though she had intended the whole thing to happen. 
He didn’t know whether he was supposed to feel anger at her manipulation or guilt at his own but in fact he felt neither of those things. He felt happy. It was such an odd sensation that he wasn’t even sure what to make of it. He didn’t want to question the happy glow of warmth he felt inside, in case it should cause it to go entirely. 

Come for the grumpiness. Stay for the spankings.

Sunday, 14 June 2015

Kissing Part 2

This is my 'K' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

A year ago when I undertook this insane Spanking A to Z blog challenge for the first time, I wrote a blog post called K is for Kissing.

As I said at the time "I've compiled a list of some of my favourite on-screen kisses. I've stuck to M/F tongue wrestling to keep the numbers down. I think M/M and F/F kiss scenes require a whole separate post of their own."

If you've been waiting with bated breath for the last twelve months to find out what my favourite same sex onscreen kisses are, then your time has come at last! Hurray! Celebrate by grabbing the nearest same sex person and sticking your tongue down their throat in an enthusiastic manner. (Only if you're sure they would be up for it, mind. Otherwise it could be awkward. And illegal.)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I've spoken before about my huge and enthusiastic love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My heterosexual kissing blog post featured Cordelia and Doyle's kiss from the Buffy spin-off series Angel. I also mentioned Buffy/Angel and Buffy/Spike kissing at the time because, seriously, there was some really good kissing on that show.

And you know what else that TV programme about a teenage vampire slayer had? Best lesbian couple EVER. Willow and Tara bonded through their shared skills in witchcraftery in Season Four. And then they fell in love. It was beautifully and understatedly handled. There was never an after-school special "Sometimes a girl might develop feelings for another girl and THAT'S OK' vibe about it. They were two lovely people who were obviously right for one another and it just sort of blended seamlessly into a show full of vampires, demons, killer robots, Government-created Frankenstein-y monsters and the like.

It's surprising to realise that the first onscreen kiss between Willow and Tara didn't happen until the Season Five episode, "The Body". That was a grim episode which dealt with the entirely mundane-and-not-due-to-any-mythological-monsters death of Buffy's mom, Joyce.

The kiss was necessary and sincere. Tara was reassuring her panicked and grief-stricken lover who was trying to process her feelings about the death of her best friend's mother.

And some viewers still complained about it. Because some people are awful.



Doctor Who / Torchwood

The first time we meet Captain Jack Harkness is in the Doctor Who episode The Empty Child, which takes place during the Second World War. The Doctor's assistant, Rose is in a perilous position hanging on for dear life and Harkness is checking her out with his binoculars. "Nice bottom," he says. His companion, Algy, looks a little put out by the remark. "I say, old man. There's a time and a place," he says.

Captain Jack rushes off to save the damsel in distress but not before telling Algy "You've got an excellent bottom too" and slapping him on the arse. Algy looks incredibly happy about it.

It's a wonderful introduction to the character of Captain Jack, establishing his bisexuality in about four lines. And this is in a programme aired at tea time and aimed at children, don't forget. Because the wonderful  Russell T "Queer as Folk" Davies was the man responsible for making Doctor Who cool again. And as well as being one of the best television writers ever, he is a homosexual man who loves to include all kinds of gayness into everything he writes. God bless him.

There was a spin-off Doctor Who series called Torchwood. ('Torchwood' being an anagram of 'Doctor Who'.) Torchwood was basically "Doctor Who for Grown Ups". Of course, grown-ups already watch Doctor Who. (Or at least those with any sense do.) The first couple of seasons of Torchwood were basically "Doctor Who with more swearing and nakedness" and then it became "Doctor Who if everything was grimmer and more awful and all the good people died."

And throughout all the threats to the planet from hostile aliens (and they're literally always at it. It's a good thing we've got Torchwood), flamboyant, egocentric Captain Jack Harkness fell in love with his sweet, quiet Welsh co-worker Ianto Jones. There were some wonderful kisses between the two of them. Because you'd think Ianto would be all subservient to the time travelling immortal future-man who is also technically his boss. But, no, when it comes to kissing, Ianto was very good at taking the lead.


Cucumber

And while we're talking about the lovely and amazing Russell T "Queer as Folk" Davies, my absolute favourite television programme so far this year has been Cucumber (and its sister programmes Banana and Tofu.)

The story focuses mostly on middle-aged Henry who splits with his long-term lover, Lance, in the first episode following a disastrous date night and then Henry's life gets progressively weirder. It was a gripping story which I sometimes had to watch through my fingers as parts of it were too heartbreaking to watch without the protection that partially splayed fingers can provide.

I was reluctant to include the scene below because it's not really a gay kiss. The lads making out to Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl" are all straight. It's a wonderful scene though. I love how the boys wipe their mouths the moment Henry stops recording. Poor conflicted Henry, heartbroken and adrift watching two heterosexual youngsters (one of whom is his nephew) pretending to be gay in the pursuit of internet fame.

"To be honest, if you really want to know, when I'm watching this sort of thing... I want a kiss."


Oh, and if you are wondering where the names Cucumber, Banana and Tofu come from, they are a reference to the Erection Hardness Scale which goes from Grade 1 (tofu) through Grade 2 (peeled banana), Grade 3 (unpeeled banana) up to Grade 4 (cucumber). I think it's nice to be able to be able to put a number (and a foodstuff) to these things, don't you?

Blue Is The Warmest Colour

Abdellatif Kechiche's 2013 film was marketed as a lesbian love story between Adèle (Adèle Exarchopoulos) and Emma (Léa Seydoux). And while there is a lot of lesbian love stuff here, I think the original French title - La vie d'Adèle chapitres 1 et 2 describes the film better. It's a coming of age story in which Adèle grows up, finds herself, falls in love and then fucks it all up royally. There are plenty of kisses (and a lot of sex) but I think the most memorable kiss takes place near the end of the film when Adèle and Emma meet up in a cafe post breakup. Emma has moved on with her life and is in a new relationship. Adèle however is desperate to reconnect and attempts to seduce Emma into taking her back. It's a painful scene to watch because I think we can all relate to it. Wanting something so much that any sense of pride goes out of the window.

It's also a difficult scene to watch because of all the snotty crying. I watched the whole scene just wishing that Adèle would use a tissue or her sleeve or something to stem the flow of mucus dribbling towards her mouth and oh my God, woman. Don't lick it!

There were reportedly walkouts at some showings of this film. I assume it was all the snot rather than the explicit lesbian sex that upset people.


The Full Monty

Annoyingly, I can't find a picture of the implied kiss that happens between Lomper and Guy but it definitely happened. Well in a an off-screen sort of a way. Lovely as the blossoming relationship is between the two minor characters, I actually thought the rest of the characters' acceptance of two of their number starting a gay relationship, the least plausible part of this otherwise realistic look at life on the unemployment line.

Not that I'm complaining. I love the bit when Mark Addy and Robert Carlyle say "Nowt so queer as folk" and then get an inappropriate bout of the giggles at Lomper's mum's funeral.

You remember the almost-kiss! It happened just after this bit!
Brookside

Soap Operas tend to lead the way in pushing the boundaries of what it's acceptable to show on prime time telly. I presume this is more due to the fact that the writers start each meeting by asking themselves "Right, what haven't we done yet?" rather than from any sense of crusading justice but the upshot is still the same.

The first pre-watershed lesbian kiss on British television took place in 1994 on now defunct Liverpool-based soap, Brookside. When Beth (Anna Friel) and Margaret (Nicola Stephenson) were shown locking lips, there was quite a bit of brouhaha and "What about the children"-ing in the tabloid newspapers, because, god knows, in a show that depicted domestic violence, murder, armed sieges and rape, who knows what the sight of seeing two women sharing an embrace could have on fragile young minds?

The first male same-sex kiss on mainstream television happened five years before in Eastenders in what was described by The Sun as a "love scene between two yuppie poofs". Because The Sun is the very definition of class.



So have things moved on much in the last twenty years or so? Probably. Although to be honest, it wasn't all that easy to think of examples of lesbian kisses when compiling this list. I couldn't think of any examples off the top of my head of mainstream television or films depicting middle aged women getting off with one another. The media certainly seems happier if all the participants in a lesbian relationship are young and Anna Friel-levels of gorgeous. Where are depictions of women who look like me getting some same sex on-screen tongue action?

I have probably missed all kinds of obvious examples. Ellen DeGeneres and Friends' Susan and Carol come to mind. Let me know what your favourite same sex onscreen kisses are in the comments below.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

Jugs, Jubblies and other euphemisms for breasts

This is my 'J' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.
Jugs, jubblies, bangers, tits, dumplings, funbags, hooters, knockers, boobies, dirty pillows - call them what you will, I think we can all agree that breasts are kind of marvellous, aren't they? (Actually please, don't call them 'dirty pillows', come to think of it. That's kind of horrible. My boobs are not dirty. They are scrupulously clean and delightful in every way.)


I love breasts, I really do. I'm bisexual so I can appreciate breasts from both sides. I like having them and I also really like other people having them. I'm not one of those people who makes dismissive comments along the lines of "What's all the fuss about? Why get excited about these lumps of fat?" As lumps of fat go, breasts are quite, quite beautiful.

And you know how it is when your hair looks good and you feel about 300 times more attractive even if your face and body have nothing really to recommend them? I always feel that way about my tits A 'good boob day' and I'm instantly feeling better about myself. If I had the money, I would buy the sorts of bras that ensured that every day was a good boob day.


Of course, you can argue that breasts aren't really there for aesthetic purposes. Their primary function is after all for the feeding of babies. But, you know, even if you have a whole herd of small children and breastfeed everyone of them until toddlerhood, that's still only a small section of your life. Most of the time, the primary function of a lady's breasts is to sit there looking pretty.

And for playing with, obviously. I love having my nipples tweaked and tortured and while my arse should be the primary focus of any spanking session, I do enjoy having my breasts caned or spanked with a ruler. Well, I say 'enjoy'. It's that whole absolutely hate it and love it at the same time thing that makes being spanked so very, very intriguing.


So, breasts, love 'em or hate 'em, well you've got to love them, surely? What's not to love about a fulsome pair of funbags? As those wise philosophers The Bloodhound Gang once said "Hurray for Boobies!".

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

I Love You

This is my 'I' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

Yeah, you've got one too many letters there, squire. Are you taking this game of Scrabble seriously or what?
"I love you". Three little words with a colossal amount of significance in romantic novels. Probably in real life too, if you aren't a cynical unromantic curmudgeon like me.

When I searched for the phrase on my Kindle, I discovered that the Corbin's Bend Valentine's Collection Love in the Rockies had an impressive number of "I love you"s within its covers.

So here you go, let's get soppy and romantic and enjoy some Valentine-y snippets from the world's very best spanking community.

Valentine's Surprise - Constance Masters
Zach kept smacking for a couple more minutes.  “I love you. I want you to have some fun. Do you think that’s going to be possible?” He smacked the creases where her bottom met her thighs. 
Erin nodded miserably, tears streaming down her face. “I’ll-ll try.” 
Zach helped her to stand and pulled her into his arms, kissing her lightly. “Good girl. Go and wash your face.” 

Pinning her with one hand, he rested his injured leg around her thighs and stilled her fighting. “Do you want to safeword?” 
“No,” she murmured. “No.” 
Roy lifted her robe, exposing the long flannel nightie she’d worn in deference to the cold night. He caressed her bottom through its softness. “I love you so much.” He folded the nightgown up to expose her bare buttocks. Teri never slept in panties. One of her many good points.

 Past Interference - Kathryn R Blake
He drew back to gaze at her. “Do you have doubts?” 
Her shoulders rose in a casual shrug. “Only a couple of thousand of them.” 
“That you love me?” 
She cupped his face. “No. No. No. I love you wholly, completely and entirely, but I don’t understand how you could love me. I’m damaged goods.” 
Frowning, he gave her nose a tap. “We’ve discussed this, Elly. Many times. You were not at fault for your divorce or the things your husband did.” 
“I know, but – ” 
“No, Elly. There are no buts in this. I love you. I have loved you since the first day I watched you playing in the dog park with your tiny ball of yipping fluff. You, my fragile angel, are the closest thing to perfection I will ever know and I intend to spend the rest of my life proving it to you.”

 Unexpected Surprises - Ruth Staunton
Without asking, Grant – bless him – had gone into the kitchen and poured her a glass of wine. 
When he set it on the table in front of her, she smiled up at him. “I knew there was a reason I love you.” 
“That’s a good thing,” he told her, tipping her chin up and dropping a kiss on her lips, “because I love you too. 
“Gross,” Kathleen squawked good-naturedly. “Get a room.”


 Knowing What She Wants - Thianna D
“Hey.” Char’s voice had a quality he was well aware of. She was stressed, pissed and trying to hide it from their little girl. 
“Happy Valentine’s Day, honey,” he said warmly. “A third of the community is still without power, but the power company assures us it’ll be on by noon.” 
“And you’ll be home then?” 
“I will. I’ve got plans.” 
A soft laugh crossed the line. “I love you, Brent Carmichael. Sometimes, I wonder why but I do love you.” 
Grinning, he leaned back in his chair. “You love me for my hard hand and the fact I can make you laugh. Admit it.” 
A real laugh tinkled in his ear. “You got me. I miss you today. We’re never apart on Valentine’s Day.”

So guess which is the ONLY story in the collection that doesn't contain the phrase "I love you"? Yup, that'd be my contribution The Perfect Housewife.

It's not that my protagonists don't love one another, you understand. They are clearly very much in love. As I hope the following excerpt from the end of the book demonstrates. They just choose to use slightly different language to communicate their love for one another.

The Perfect Housewife - Etta Stark 
Logan ran his hand through his hair agitatedly. “Aw hell, I was going to wait until after dinner but there’s no way I can stand the suspense that long.” 
“What on earth are you…” began Kirsty and then gave a squeak of surprise as Logan got down on one knee in front of her and pulled a small square box from his pants pocket. 
“Kirsty,” he said. “I hope this isn’t too sudden for you. I know we’ve only just moved in together but I also know that you’re the most amazing person I have ever met and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you.” He opened the box revealing a white gold diamond ring and took a deep breath. “Will you marry me?” 
“Holy fucking shit,” gasped Kirsty. 
Logan quirked an eyebrow. “’Holy fucking shit’? Is that your answer?” 
“No!” blurted Kirsty. “I mean, no, it isn’t my answer not no, I won’t marry you. Because I totally will do that.” 
“So that’s a ‘yes’?” asked Logan, still looking a little unsure. 
“Of course it’s a fucking yes, you idiot!” said Kirsty gleefully. “Give me my ring!” 
Logan stood and, smiling, slipped the ring onto the third finger of Kirsty’s left hand. “So when our grandchildren ask about how we decided to get married, am I going to tell them that your considered response was ‘Of course it’s a fucking yes, you idiot’?”

I am however making a note to include the words "I love you" in my current works in progress. It's a lovely phrase and should be used as much as possible.

Love in the Rockies. Not just for Valentine's Day