This isn't in any way a cry for help. I'm doing OK.
Although I suspect my real reason for publishing it is along the lines of "Well I've written it now. I might as well", I am justifying publishing it by telling myself it might help other people who are currently experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts.
I couldn’t possibly have appreciated it at the time. Depression makes you selfish. Teenagers are selfish anyway. Depressed teenagers are the worst. But now as a parent of teenager, in fact as a parent of a teenager older than I was when I might have conceivably died at my own hand, it makes my heart drop like a stone just to think of it. Yes, I’m happy for my own sake that I’m still here. But far more than that, I’m glad I didn’t make my parents live through that alternative reality. Whatever shit I’ve given them since then (and there’s been plenty) it has to be better than that.
|Somebody needs to have serious words with that butterfly though.|
AfterwordThe title for this post is taken from Dorothy Parker's poem, Resume:
Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
The most genuinely insightful writing about depression is written by Allie Brosch on her blog Hyperbole and a Half. There is nothing I have read as heart-breaking, insightful, relatable and hugely fucking funny as Allie's two depression-related posts: Adventures in Depression and Depression Part Two. I sincerely hope they're required reading for all GPs and mental health practitioners.
I can't be happy that Allie Brosch wrote them because she seems like a genuinely lovely person. I had read her blog for years before the depression posts. I'd rather she didn't have to go through that. But, I am immensely grateful she documented it so wonderfully. "My fish are dead" has become shorthand between my daughter and me during times of not-being-able-to-adequately-explain-stuff. Nothing soothes the soul quite like someone saying: "wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though."
So, given that I probably should leave this blog post on a vaguely positive note. I'll leave the final word to Allie.